Insulin Madness

...so I got the results of my 24-hour urine C-peptide back today (it's a really annoying test that test your overall insulin making capacity and requires you to keep jugs of pee in the fridge...ooh sexy!). It's on the low side of normal, which provides more evidence that I am not insulin resistant. It's both upsetting and a little bit of a load of my shoulders...it always seems like no matter what I eat and how much I exercise, my sugars always tend to run a little high. I become frustrated with myself, blame myself (that I am just not doing enough), and then fall off the bandwagon because I feel like it doesn't seem to matter. It's this really vicious cycle that's caused my eating habits to become some what disordered. I keep bouncing between the new extreme diet of the week, and then pretending like my diabetes doesn't exists...but the fundamental reason for my blood sugars never being just right (even though by medical standards I have good control) is that my body needs insulin that I can't produce adequately. Needles suck, but my perpetual guilt like I've done this to myself is even worse. The test sort of proves that my diabetes isn't a result of things I've done, but rather bad luck...I am not saying that I don't have control over things (because I can control my diet and exercise), but it does say that I can stop beating myself up emotionally all the time.

One Step Foward, Two Steps Back

So there the envelope was sitting their waiting for me when I got home...A1C and TSH results. I always dread opening up that darn envelope...handshaking I rip open the envelope. It's like getting my report card in elementary school.


TSH = 0.51 (o.k. well at least that's back to normal...I've been a yo-yo between super hypo and super hyper these last 6-months...having one thryoid gland sure makes things complicated...and probably is more thing effecting my BG....for a few months I could get my blood sugar straight now matter what I did or eat).

AIC = 6.4%!!!!!!

Yeah, I know by the American Endocrinology Association I've slipped from excellent control to good control, but by Dr. B's standards I've slipped from good to pretty bad...a 6.4 is an average blood gluocose of 132...I guess the averages on my glucose meter wasn't lying (o.k. I know that should be obvious...I am in med school...)

I know I've let things slip in the last few months, have become increasingly moody and have lost a lot of my energy....the evidence confirming the way I feel was finally in. Diabetes always causes such guilt. It's quite comparable to being a student. No matter what I do at the end of the day, I feel like I should always be doing more. At the end of the day I always reflect on what I haven't done. Even if I am exercising regularly I always think, "I only exercised 4-days this week. I should be exercising 5 or 6" or "Your a med student...you should know better...you should be a better example for your patients!"

As I sat and moped and threw myself a self-pity party for the afternoon my roommate pointed out the obvious, "Maybe at the end of the day you should make a list of what you have done. You need to take more credit for the good things you do for yourself. And maybe find some other way to positively reinforce good behavior besides food!"

On that note, I am thinking about setting up a jar for myself to save for a monthly massage...everyday I gloss over that piece of chocolate $2 to the jar...